I wasn’t always the person I am now. No one ever is. It takes a journey
to get to where we are and the will to keep traveling the path to who you
destined to be. There was a time where I quit, or at least tried to.
There was a time where I got turned around in the darkness not sure which way
was forward or behind. But I’m here. And I’m stronger. And I’m living.
In November of 2008, I tried to end the journey. I was done. I felt the
world was against me in every way possible and I was done fighting the
darkness. God had other plans. In July of 2009, I tried to cut the journey
short again. I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. God again had very
different plans, and for that, I am so eternally thankful.
Getting to the point where you put a gun to your head and pull the
trigger doesn’t come quickly… Instead it starts slow and almost microscopic.
You don’t detect it, you don’t see it. It could be a bad day or a hateful word
spoken to you. Over time, it grows and morphs and skews your perception so that
you don’t even notice that the darkness is taking over. You don’t realize that
you are the frog in the pot that is being boiled alive until it’s too late.
My detour on this journey called life started with bullying. Classmates
deciding that I was less than them. They began picking on me because of my
grades, weight, looks, and lack of friends. I tried to grow callous to it, but
deep inside it was wearing away at my soul. My self esteem was attacked, I
began to subconsciously start to believe the lies that my classmates were
telling me. I began to think I wasn’t worth it, I didn’t have value, that the
world didn’t need me. But even still, I kept going. It wasn’t until my “best friend”
at the time told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore because the whole class
thought that I should die. that I really believed I was worthless. That
night I took a handful of pills, wrote a note, and went to bed expecting not to
wake up. But God had different plans.
Over the next year I started to withdraw and dread school. I began
cutting slow and small at first, but growing deeper and more often as time went
on. I was numb and tried everything just to feel something. During this time,
my mentor walked out of my life and my last positive connection to the outside
world was gone. While inside I was broken and so very lost, I still played the
act of the good Christian girl who when to church each week. I even signed up
for my first mission trip to Costa Rica that summer. Just a few days prior to
the mission trip, I got some bad news that a friend and her 2 children had
gotten in a car wreck and her kids had died instantly. My heart was crushed and
I was so upset. How could a good God allow 2 innocent children to die in a car
accident and their mom to be critically injured? The following day a
hateful message was written about me online which pushed me to my limit. I was
done. I grabbed my gun, went to my room, wrote a note, and pulled the trigger.
There are a million things that go through your mind when your finger puts
pressure on a trigger and you get to the point where you can’t go back. Regret
is the biggest and most obvious emotion, but also comes deep sadness and
disappointment in yourself. By God’s incredible grace, the chamber jammed
and the gun didn’t fire. (obviously.) I realized at that point I needed help
and quickly. I reached out to a friend and leader in our church who started
mentoring me and promised to stand by me. 2 days later we left for Costa Rica.
Words cannot begin describe what God did in my life on that trip. I knew who
Jesus was growing up and had even claimed to be a Christian my entire life, but
I didn’t know Jesus on a personal level until I was sitting on the side of the
mountain in a small country town in Costa Rica crying out for him to take
control because I couldn’t anymore. God blew life into me that week and set me
on the path to a life worth living.
Once school started that year, I was determined not to let my classmates
define who I was and instead vowed to remain confident in who God showed me I
was that summer. I met new friends, and got really close to this one guy in my
class named Zack. We instantly clicked and became best friends almost
overnight. We talked on the phone daily, texted constantly and really became
each other’s “person”. Zack’s dad got a new job in Alabama in February
and he was forced to move mid school year. We were both devastated, but promised
to continue to communicate daily. During this time I had gotten a job at Chapin
Baptist CDC and I was loving it. Life was going so well and I thanked God daily
for the 180 degree change that summer had brought.
On April 19th, 2010 at 5pm, I turned my phone on after
having it off during work and realized I had 4 missed calls and 9 text messages
from Zack. I immediately called him back and didn’t get an answer, but the
messages scared me. 2 hours later I received a phone call from his brother
saying that Zack had shot himself and He was gone. Nothing can prepare
you to hear those words come out of the other end of the phone. Nothing in life
can prepare your heart to hear the news that your best friend was gone. Nothing
prepares you for the guilt you feel when you realize that had you answered your
phone, things could have gone differently.
The months and year following Zack’s death are still a blur, but I do
remember that it was during this time that grief in the form of depression,
anxiety and guilt entered and took up residence in my life. I was afraid to go
back down the pathway that I had been before, so I made some drastic life
changes that seemed illogical at the time. Looking back, I can now see God’s
hand all over it and how he carried me and was faithful through every step.
During this time I switched churches, schools, small groups, and
positions within my job. God allowed some incredible people to walk into my
life and helped me to begin the process of healing. Over the next few years, I
still wrestled with anxiety and guilt, but my relationship with Jesus grew
deeper and deeper. I began to know Him and not just know of Him. I started to
take leadership roles in church and work and began attending at bible study
that later grew into DECIDEDchurch. And through it all, God has shown his
faithfulness. He has shown me that he won’t give up on me. He has shown me that
his perfect love does not fail and is not based on what I do. He showed me that
he can use a broken vessel like me to share his grace and love with
others.
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