Time To Tell My Story...

I wasn’t always the person I am now. No one ever is. It takes a journey to get to where we are and the will to keep traveling the path to who you destined to be.  There was a time where I quit, or at least tried to. There was a time where I got turned around in the darkness not sure which way was forward or behind. But I’m here. And I’m stronger.  And I’m living.

In November of 2008, I tried to end the journey. I was done. I felt the world was against me in every way possible and I was done fighting the darkness. God had other plans. In July of 2009, I tried to cut the journey short again. I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. God again had very different plans, and for that, I am so eternally thankful.

Getting to the point where you put a gun to your head and pull the trigger doesn’t come quickly… Instead it starts slow and almost microscopic. You don’t detect it, you don’t see it. It could be a bad day or a hateful word spoken to you. Over time, it grows and morphs and skews your perception so that you don’t even notice that the darkness is taking over. You don’t realize that you are the frog in the pot that is being boiled alive until it’s too late.

My detour on this journey called life started with bullying. Classmates deciding that I was less than them. They began picking on me because of my grades, weight, looks, and lack of friends. I tried to grow callous to it, but deep inside it was wearing away at my soul. My self esteem was attacked, I began to subconsciously start to believe the lies that my classmates were telling me. I began to think I wasn’t worth it, I didn’t have value, that the world didn’t need me. But even still, I kept going. It wasn’t until my “best friend” at the time told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore because the whole class thought that I should die. that I really believed I was worthless.  That night I took a handful of pills, wrote a note, and went to bed expecting not to wake up. But God had different plans.

Over the next year I started to withdraw and dread school. I began cutting slow and small at first, but growing deeper and more often as time went on. I was numb and tried everything just to feel something. During this time, my mentor walked out of my life and my last positive connection to the outside world was gone. While inside I was broken and so very lost, I still played the act of the good Christian girl who when to church each week. I even signed up for my first mission trip to Costa Rica that summer. Just a few days prior to the mission trip, I got some bad news that a friend and her 2 children had gotten in a car wreck and her kids had died instantly. My heart was crushed and I was so upset. How could a good God allow 2 innocent children to die in a car accident and their mom to be critically injured?  The following day a hateful message was written about me online which pushed me to my limit. I was done. I grabbed my gun, went to my room, wrote a note, and pulled the trigger. There are a million things that go through your mind when your finger puts pressure on a trigger and you get to the point where you can’t go back. Regret is the biggest and most obvious emotion, but also comes deep sadness and disappointment in yourself.  By God’s incredible grace, the chamber jammed and the gun didn’t fire. (obviously.) I realized at that point I needed help and quickly.  I reached out to a friend and leader in our church who started mentoring me and promised to stand by me. 2 days later we left for Costa Rica. Words cannot begin describe what God did in my life on that trip. I knew who Jesus was growing up and had even claimed to be a Christian my entire life, but I didn’t know Jesus on a personal level until I was sitting on the side of the mountain in a small country town in Costa Rica crying out for him to take control because I couldn’t anymore. God blew life into me that week and set me on the path to a life worth living. 

Once school started that year, I was determined not to let my classmates define who I was and instead vowed to remain confident in who God showed me I was that summer. I met new friends, and got really close to this one guy in my class named Zack. We instantly clicked and became best friends almost overnight. We talked on the phone daily, texted constantly and really became each other’s “person”.  Zack’s dad got a new job in Alabama in February and he was forced to move mid school year. We were both devastated, but promised to continue to communicate daily. During this time I had gotten a job at Chapin Baptist CDC and I was loving it. Life was going so well and I thanked God daily for the 180 degree change that summer had brought.

On April 19^th,  2010 at 5pm, I turned my phone on after having it off during work and realized I had 4 missed calls and 9 text messages from Zack. I immediately called him back and didn’t get an answer, but the messages scared me. 2 hours later I received a phone call from his brother saying that Zack had shot himself and He was gone.  Nothing can prepare you to hear those words come out of the other end of the phone. Nothing in life can prepare your heart to hear the news that your best friend was gone. Nothing prepares you for the guilt you feel when you realize that had you answered your phone, things could have gone differently. 

The months and year following Zack’s death are still a blur, but I do remember that it was during this time that grief in the form of depression, anxiety and guilt entered and took up residence in my life. I was afraid to go back down the pathway that I had been before, so I made some drastic life changes that seemed illogical at the time. Looking back, I can now see God’s hand all over it and how he carried me and was faithful through every step.

During this time I switched churches, schools, small groups, and positions within my job. God allowed some incredible people to walk into my life and helped me to begin the process of healing. Over the next few years, I still wrestled with anxiety and guilt, but my relationship with Jesus grew deeper and deeper. I began to know Him and not just know of Him. I started to take leadership roles in church and work and began attending at bible study that later grew into DECIDEDchurch. And through it all, God has shown his faithfulness. He has shown me that he won’t give up on me. He has shown me that his perfect love does not fail and is not based on what I do. He showed me that he can use a broken vessel like me to share his grace and love with others. 

Don't Waste It...

When you love people and they’re ripped away, it hurts.

No way around it.

But as much as I don’t want to make it last one minute longer than it has to, I also don’t want to shove gauze of all kinds in the gaping wound just to make it all seem better.

Pain is God’s megaphone, and He uses it to speak into our lives, as C.S. Lewis said.

So if I can’t avoid it … why waste it?

I want it to hurt when it hurts. To feel numb when it feels numb. To feel happy when I feel happy. And I want all of those honest emotions to drive me back into God as deep as I can go, so He can heal the gaping wound Himself and show me how to walk through the fragments of my broken heart strewn all over the place.

The emotions change. He doesn’t. I want to dig as deep into that as I can. I want to learn about Him in the ways you can only when He’s carrying you, crushed and broken.

If the pain is there, why not press into it and find Him in it, and come out whole on the other side? After all, that’s what He did when He went to the cross on our behalf on Good Friday. He took the horrifically painful cup that was handed to Him by the Father and drank it to the dregs, knowing that life was waiting for Him at the bottom.

Even if that meant that Friday was excruciating, and Saturday the world was still shrouded in death.

Sunday was on the other side, and when He arrived, all was made whole. And it was worth it.

Right now, we’re living in Saturday … the day that birthdays aren’t celebrated, holiday's are spent without a loved one. About 27 million people woke up in slavery this morning and will go to bed tonight after another day of horrors, only to wake up and do it again.

In all this pain, all this injustice, God is calling out to us. To me. To you.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
So we come. And He makes good on His promises. We find He’s solid. Today, He catches my tears. One day soon, He’ll wipe them away.
Every last one.

As much as I long for that day when everything is set right, it’s not here yet. It’s still on the far side of death, where some people I love are now, and the only way to get there is by following the beckoning of a Savior who faced death for us and loves us more than we can understand.

Following Him one more day. And then another.

We make the choice the moment our eyes pop open in the morning. We trust He’ll get us through the day before our feet ever hit the floor.

As Rick Warren said after his son’s suicide, “The more you trust God, the more you realize how trustworthy he is.”

And the more we realize how much He wants us to know Him. To let Him carry us. To come out on the other side with a heart more in tune with His.

Mary Langford, whose son also committed suicide, said even though the pain was loud when she learned of her son’s death, just as loud was the unmistakable impression:

Don’t waste anything.
“I had recently read a book on the theme of God’s use of the fragments and broken things in life,” she wrote. “The idea had come from John 6, the story of the feeding of the 5,000, after which Jesus directed His disciples to gather up the food fragments, that nothing be wasted. In those first moments of incredible pain, confusion, and helplessness, the Lord brought that phrase to my mind. It became the guide for my own grief work and for every decision which had to be made as an aftermath of our son’s death: Let nothing be wasted.”
May I waste nothing.

And may we get there soon.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

*****

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis

Mended

"Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words." So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me:"O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

-Jeremiah 18:2-6

The other day, I bought a perfectly good pitcher at the store.

I went home, and smashed it against the concrete.

I have heard about smashing glass and how it is suppose to make you feel better. Well, it did. I sat there a few seconds taking it all in. and then I gathered the pieces, and made way to my room to put it back together. I got the hot glue gun, and started sifting through the pieces. I talked to God while I was working. as I was working, God showed me a lot. I begin to think of my past. Mistakes I made, thing's I have done. I realized the pitcher was my life, and every piece was part of a story that he had chosen to put together. I began to remember things I had forgotten. It took a while to finish, but it was time well spent.

Here you are Callie. You are mended. You are filled with My Spirit. and I am asking you to pour yourself out.

The idea of my life as a broken pitcher is beautiful to me. but, it is also hard to look at. I wished I had been different. I wished I had always followed him the way I should have. I was mad at the cracks, and breaks, time spent wasted, and the holes where it should be smooth. But God, my almighty father, was telling me,

My dearest Callie. How do you think the world has seen me? If it wasn't for the cracks, the breaks, I couldn't seep out the way I do. I chose the pitcher,. I chose you, just as you are.

I challenge you to do the same. find a vase, or pitcher, smash it, and then put it back together. Let Him tell you who you are, and let yourself be reminded of the grace that seals us all.

I know you have had seasons of life that are unmendable. I know I have. but despite the hurt and heartache, it is never too late for Him to sculpt you into something beautiful. Allow the Lord to remind you that you aren't a mistake.

Allow god to remind you of His great love for you. His precious vessel.

In Christ,

Callie

Listening to: No One Higher by Seth Condrey

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For The Better...

The impact of words goes far beyond just that moment.

They can last a lifetime. They can change, hurt, inspire, and encourage someone. 

Some words are forgotten. Some replay in our minds over and over and over again.

Looking back at my life, I wonder which words have been the most uplifting and the most discouraging. Who spoke those words, and did they have any idea of the effect they would have?

I can remember the first time that someone said that they didn't know how God could possible love a screw up like me. That sharp, stabbing feeling came like a sword to my heart. The first time someone ever told me I wasn't wanted, or that I couldn't be their friend... Painful words hurt and last a long time.

But true, encouraging words are also sources of power. They make the heart joyful. They brighten our day. Sometimes, they can change someone's entire world.

I remember the day that a close friend told me that I was beautiful in the eyes of Christ. The moment that someone I didn't even know said I encouraged them daily (when I was at my lowest point).

Then there are the words that come from quotes and songs that speak so deeply into the soul.

Words can inspire, encourage, hurt and destroy someone.

When did words make the biggest difference in life? At what moment did words encourage or empower you the most?

When did words tear you down or hurt you?

Feel free to share your stories here. It's awesome to hear how God uses others to encourage you, or unfortunately hurt you...

Lets strive to be people who encourage, not destroy. Build up, not tear down. Lets be a generation that uses words to uplift and inspire our community and world. People won't help but notice.


In Christ,
Callie


Listening to: Words By Hawk Nelson

Whatever You're Doing...

I have recently come across a new song. I can't explain my life anymore clearer than this song. it says it all. perfectly.

listen, reflect, listen again, and pass it on. its amazing.

it is called whatever your doing by sanctus real.

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time to make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will?

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything I surrender...To...

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This is something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

this is my heart.

4 things

God has taught me a lot the past few days.

1st. I cannot play the victim card. I am not a victim. I am victorious through Christ.

Let me explain....A few months ago I was asked about my life story. Everything. I shared, and did the unthinkable for me...I began to feel sorry for myself. I began to feel sorry for what I've been through.

I cannot feel sorry for myself. I cannot play the victim card, Because I AM NOT A VICTIM! God has made me victorious in his son. With Christ's help, I have conquered all the obstacles the devil has thrown my way. By playing the victim card, I am hiding all the wonderful things God did to bring me through it.

I will not be defined by my past. I am changed because of it. I would never choose to change what I have been through because it has shaped who I am today.

Romans 8:37- In All these things, I am MORE THAN VICTORIOUS through Christ who loves me.


2nd. God loves us like crazy!

Have you ever really, REALLY thought about that?

God sent his son. The only son he would ever have, and allowed him to die for 7 billion people who may or may not choose to understand and thank God for his sacrifice! He did it for each of us. Me. You. The lady down the street. The man in jail. The murder in africa. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! That"s AMAZING!


3. I am blessed.

I am blessed with people who pour into my life.
I am blessed with people who listen, and care about what new in my life.
I am blessed with a Job that I love, that influences others, and glorifies God.
I am blessed with a purpose on this earth.
I am blessed to be able to live out that purpose without fear of being persecuted and killed.
I. Am. Blessed.


4. I am full of emotions about this Zimbabwe Mission Trip.

I am excited, scared, bursting to go, yet feeling overwhelmed by it all.

I have been on missions trips before. I have been exotic places and seen the lost, hungry, homeless and poverty stricken.

But this is different. I can't explain it. Its nerve racking, exciting, inspiring, and scary all in 1.

I know God is going to do some great things in the lives of the people who live in zimbabwe and for our Team. Lord, Put a hedge of protection around us. Soften the hearts of the people who we will come in contact with. Prepare us. Prepare our hearts. Prepare our minds. Prepare our spirits.


In Christ,

Callie


Listening to: Build Your Kingdom Here by Rend Collective

For Those Who Are Hurting...

You can consider this a letter to the past, to the me of July, 2010.  When I felt, indeed alone and lost and weary.  Beyond hope and full of despair.  I felt my dreams crushed and beyond my reach.  I felt isolated and in the dark.   

I wasn't suicidal, but at this time, I was BEGGING for Jesus to come back.  Or to go to sleep and not wake up.  It was a tough, tough spot.  

And I know that chances are, with the traffic that comes through these "doors", that some of you reading this know EXACTLY where I was, because you are there.  This letter is to you. 

Dear sweetly broken girl,

I know you feel hopeless and "done".  I know you are tired of trying and want to give up.  I know that you don't know how you will get through the rest of the day, let alone another whole year that looms ahead of you.  I know you feel like your prayers fall on deaf ears...that God feels further than he has ever been.  Can I gently suggest that he may be closer than ever?  That the shadows that surround you may be the hand of God hiding you in the cleft of the rock protecting you? 

Exodus 33:22 says "When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by."

That means His hand is on you.  Protecting you from danger.  I know it doesn't feel that way.  Believe me, I know.  You have never felt further from His touch.  You feel punished.  You feel deserted.  But HE IS THERE.  Use this time to push towards Him.  When you are sad, read the Bible.  When you hurt, read a devotional.  When you feel alone, read the Bible.  When you are desperate pray...out loud...in a scream if you must.  Give it your all, He can take it.  DIG your heels in and refuse to let go.  Pull from every ounce of stubbornness you can muster up. Don't stop going to church, don't stop reaching out, don't give up on community.  Stick to your guns.  Go through the same motions that you would if things were "normal".  In some areas, I dare say "Fake it til you make it".  

Ask anyone who will listen to pray for you.   

Ignore anyone who tells you to get over it.  

God has not left you.  He is not punishing you.  He still loves you.  He has a plan FOR YOU.  It's better than yours. 

I can trace most of the steps of both answered and unanswered prayers from that time has brought much confusion into focus, in a way that only time can.  I can tell you, that if God doesn't answer a prayer the way you would like, that He is either protecting you or has something better in mind.  Or both.      

I just don't want you to give up.  

There is good around the corner.  This time next year or in the future, you will be wiser.  And better.  More patient and more kind.  If you are seeking Him, you will be closer than ever.  You will fight for the presence that you have with him now because...     

He is close to the brokenhearted.  

Don't waste this chance to grow. 

Don't give up. 

Don't stop going to church. 

Don't stop reaching out.

Don't stop reading the Bible.    

I've noticed that people who do these things, do so at the least appropriate time in their lives, ever.  By doing these things, you are only doing the bidding of the enemy.  he wants you alone and isolated. 

You are punishing yourself, not God. 

My pastor said something that stuck with me...to HEAR God, you have to put yourself in His proximity.  You have to know Him and seek Him to HEAR Him.  It just doesn't work with wishing.    

I am just here to beg you to not give up.  It does get better.  

As I sit here, I feel like I am carrying around less "junk" than ever in my life.  And I know it is by the grace of God and my stubbornness to BE JOYFUL.  I know that I am "better" than ever because instead of isolating myself, I rolled up my sleeves and said "Let's do this".    

My dreams have been restored.  And they gleam more than ever before.  Instead of pining that we are not home YET, I am making sure that every decision and action we take takes us closer to that goal.  I am restoring and reaching out and pushing forward.  I am enjoying THIS day and whatever it brings.  I am choosing to be thankful and focus on our blessings. 

It is a process to get from July 2010 to July 2013.  But YOU CAN DO IT!

I want you to know that you are not alone.  I believe that you can push through. 

I will leave you with this fresh thought.  One that YOU can choose to make awesome:

“Behold, I am making all things new.” Rev 21:5

And as our pastor pointed out...that is present tense, my friend.   

Be encouraged. Stay strong. Keep fighting.

In Christ,

Callie

Listening to: Rescue is Coming by David Crowder Band